


I'm Sweating in my Sleep, Wondering if I'm Worth it to the Company I Keep

by terramous



Series: BRIAN WEEK [4]
Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:20:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26594335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terramous/pseuds/terramous
Summary: The alarm clock on the nightstand glared at him with its red numbers that told him he should’ve fallen asleep hours ago.Unfortunately, his mind was a ruthless whirlwind that refused to let up. Spinning and spinning in circles, twisting TK’s insides into knots and flipping his head until he was so dizzy nothing felt like it was in the right place.💙TK has a hard time sleeping, Carlos is there to help in any way he can
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Series: BRIAN WEEK [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1928767
Comments: 7
Kudos: 123
Collections: 9-1-1 Lone Star ▶ Carlos Reyes / Tyler Kennedy "TK" Strand





	I'm Sweating in my Sleep, Wondering if I'm Worth it to the Company I Keep

**Author's Note:**

  * For [howtosingit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/howtosingit/gifts).



> Y'know, this was supposed to be fluffy and got angsty pretty quick

TK’s breath was shallow and quick as he desperately tried to find something to ground himself. His heart was racing in his chest, running a marathon on its own, a steady rapid pressure against the walls of his veins. 

His skin felt too tight, all he wanted was to scream, let out the pressure like deflating a balloon, then maybe he could finally relax. The alarm clock on the nightstand glared at him with its red numbers that told him he should’ve fallen asleep hours ago. 

Unfortunately, his mind was a ruthless whirlwind that refused to let up. 

Spinning and spinning in circles, twisting TK’s insides into knots and flipping his head until he was so dizzy nothing felt like it was in the right place. 

The burning desire to yell or lash out was persistent but TK bit his tongue and clenched his jaw. If he concentrated enough, he could almost see the outline of Carlos laying next to him. His boyfriend tended to sleep like a log, out like the dead almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

TK could not say the same for himself. 

Although being next to Carlos helped him sleep, his calming effect was not working tonight. As much as TK wished he could have fallen asleep next to Carlos hours ago, he always loved being able to feel Carlos’ presence next to him all night. Going to bed and waking up to his favourite thing in the world, nothing was better. 

Realistically, he could reach out for Carlos, intertwine their fingers, or trail shapes into Carlos’ skin. Carlos wouldn’t be mad, he would silently take TK into his arms and keep him company until they both found solace in their dreams. 

Carlos was perfect, unwaveringly loving and caring, but TK couldn’t bring himself to ask for Carlos’ support regardless of how willing his boyfriend was to give it. 

Sometimes he didn’t feel worthy of Carlos’ neverending love. He could easily list so many things that should’ve sent Carlos running for the hills from day one, everything that his past boyfriends couldn’t handle and all the scars they’d left on his soul. 

His greatest fear was paradoxical, he was simulatneously afraid that Carlos would wake up tomorrow and decide that TK wasn’t worth it and what would happen if they truly were forever. After all, how could anyone be worth the constant worry? The hospital visits, the constant teetering on the edge, TK had seen the toll it took on his dad to love him. He couldn’t do that to Carlos. 

After all, how can you love someone then condemn them to a life of misery? 

It was miserable to love TK. 

That’s why his boyfriends never stuck around long. He was a lot more than what it said on the tin. When they signed up for firefighter with addiction problems, they didn’t realise they signed up for injuries on the job, hospital visits, making sure temptations weren’t readily available, and worrying whenever TK didn’t pick up the phone. Imagining the worst.

He’d watched his father go through it in real time. While TK made mistake after mistake, Owen was there, right by his side ready to help him clean up the mess he’d made of his life. His father hadn’t kept alcohol in his place since TK’s first overdose. 

Even when his son had been clean for years, he was still taking all the precautions, treading the eggshells as if TK was seventeen again and unconscious on the floor of the bathroom at a party one of his friends dragged him to. 

TK didn’t think he and his father would ever go back to the way they were before. Sure, Owen hadn’t been there all the time while TK was growing up, but whenever they spoke it was just that, a discussion about school or whatever Owen could think of to talk about with his teenage son. Nowadays, every interaction was dipped in concern, TK could always see it in his dad’s eyes, the way he was always calculating the risk. Sure, TK deserved it, before they came to Austin he had given Owen the fright of a lifetime and neither of them were bound to forget it. But it didn’t stop TK wishing he had been a better son. A better man. 

“What’re you thinking about?” Carlos asked, his voice thick and raspy, indicating he had just woken up to find TK sitting and picking at his fingers next to him. Sometimes when TK had a hard night and Carlos woke up, he’d wait quietly in the dark to see if it was a short bout of anxiety or he needed to intervene.

“Nothing. I’m sorry for waking you, go back to sleep.”

“Don’t shut me out.” Carlos placed a hand on the small of TK’s back, apologising as his boyfriend jolted at the contact. “What’s going on? Have you slept?”

TK shook his head even though he knew Carlos couldn’t see it. “No.”

“What’s on your mind?”

“A lot.”

“What do you need from me?”

“Just, stay with me? Please.”

TK felt the mattress shift as Carlos sat up next to him. It took Carlos all of half a second to pull TK into his arms. “Of course. You know I’m always here if you need me, right?

“Right,” TK tilted forward until he found his face buried in the crook of Carlos’ neck as he finally found a release of the tension in his body. There was something grounding about Carlos, maybe it was the lingering woodsy smell of his soap or simply the contact TK had with his skin. Carlos was so tangible and real, and he was right there. Suddenly everything felt like it would be okay.

TK enjoyed just being able to press himself into Carlos, sinking into his boyfriend’s embrace. Blindly tapping his hand around the bed behind Carlos, TK finally found the edge of the blanket and pulled it over the both of them. It would keep Carlos warm despite his habit of sleeping shirtless, and TK happily took any opportunity to be closer to Carlos.

“Any time of day. If you need me, I’m there. No matter what.”

“That’s not fair to you.”

“It’s not fair to you to have to feel like you need to earn my love.”

“I don’t deserve it.”

“Darling-” Carlos tilted TK’s head up from where it rested, and pressed their foreheads together, their breath intermingling in the few inches between them, “-you deserve everything and more. Life has been so cruel to you, let me show you all the kindness and love you were meant to know all along.”

**Author's Note:**

> title: ghost atlas - sleep therapy
> 
> [tumblr](https://sunsetcxrve.tumblr.com)


End file.
